To All the Lurkers Out There

This site gets hundreds of visits daily, yet most people don’t log in and post. Maybe you feel like you don’t have anything worth sharing, but I think you do. Yes, you, the one who just said to themselves, “well, except me”. It doesn’t have to be a full blog post (although I’d love to see more people post to the Member Blogs section); just a shoutout on DissociaBook or a post on a forum is something. You are here, you matter, and I want to hear from you.

Because then I don’t feel quite as lonely…

Maybe we should do monthly giveaways. The more you post, the greater your chance of winning…. what?  A book on dissociation?  A free hour of therapy?  I’m actually only half joking.  

But maybe you’re not posting because you’re scared.

I’m scared.  Lately, I’m scared shitless.  Literally, diarrhea for weeks. And it’s work-related in a way, but also trauma-related.  I’m afraid to do anything but work.  I’m afraid right now.  And that’s hard to admit.

Hi, I’m Saoirse, and I currently live in fear.

Bosses are father figures for me, and my old boss, who I loved, got let go. Now I have NewBoss, who I am totally unsure of.  I’m also in a poorly defined New Position, which could turn out cool, but might really suck.  The lack of positive feedback from NewBoss has me in total survival fear mode, but admittedly, that has much less to do with him than it does with my past.  

I’ve been working myself into the ground, trying to impress a father-figure who I fear and don’t understand.  NewBoss is a mystery to me.  Bit of a hatchet man, firing people in the recent re-org. Bit of an anger problem.  Sometimes kind of cool. A workaholic like me, I think.

Good ‘ol FUD.  Fear Uncertainty and Doubt.  I fear losing my job.  I’m uncertain what it even is anymore, and I doubt my ability to find another job that lets me work 100% remotely for buckets of cash.  

I fear that I have no purpose other than work, I’m uncertain who I am if I’m not working, and I doubt that I have any value to my system other than obtaining the previously mentioned buckets.

I fear that I’ll be raged upon if I don’t work extra hard, even if that’s illogical.  That’s totally a trauma reaction.  I know it is.  It’s still there if I do anything other than work, though.

Apart from work,  I fear that no one will use this site, I’m uncertain what to do about it, and I doubt that it, and I, have much value. So if you ever found something useful here, please say hi. šŸ˜‰

Published in T-E-C's Blog

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