Fashion as Self-Expression is a Fucking Minefield

College being our first experience away from home is challenging enough.

Managing academics, social life, friends, trauma and triggers, finances, all at once is a headache. Especially because it is college. Where bad academics means loosing scholarships and potentially dropping out of college. And navigating this as a system, a rather newly discovered one, makes us think that we should have taken a gap year /sar.

Maybe to connect more to the title of this blog: fashion as self-expression is a fucking minefield.

Especially:

• When you are masking as a singlet 24/7. (around other people, besides being alone).
• When you are not close with other known systems on campus, even though we try…
• When you don’t know your own individual identity (because of previous examples listed, because “newly-discovered system”, and “College”)

So… 

We wear a lot of the same clothes. 

Though we do have different t-shirts that we got from our 18th birthday…. but it’s more of an all-day clothing thing rather than “I am going to wear my shirt, then someone can put on their shirt when they are out.”

AND, The fucking weather. It’s fall. But we are still getting 80s here in Ohio. (We *can’t* stand the heat).

Also, limited money when it comes to purchasing clothes. Maybe thrift stores?

Another factor is that it feels weird to not have a sense of style or clothes that make you feel seen in your own identity.

It feels like we have to ask people permission to try out different clothes, just because they are so used to us wearing the same things, daily. (we do laundry, mind you).

If it’s not a graphic t-shirt, black shorts or pants, fun socks, and a black or gray sweatshirt. What else do we wear?

Some clothes feels like clothes of the past. “I don’t want to wear that because of…” 

And there are only so many clothing styles. 

Or associated comfortability in different styles. “No wearing [this] or [that], because in the past we didn’t like how it…”

It’s hard to express yourself when you were taught that it is best not to have a “self.” (Or it’s the “wrong” sense of “self”).

Wear bland clothes as to not stand out.

Or if you are going to stand out, you best be quick on your feet with a joke or be a flirt.

*Is there a better stress response that I can have at my disposal at the moment?* (because all we do is sweat).

Now…

This body is an adult.

We can do whatever the fuck we want. (Within reason and does not cause harm to other individuals).

We set boundaries and expectations for our relationships with others and for ourself.

We can wear the clothes that we want, if only we had the money and courage to find them and wear them. 

There are other ways to express oneself beyond clothes. 

But we don’t need to be getting into past adversion to make-up/jewelry/etc, today.

And we can knit, but only know so much and only know the basics of crochet. (In terms of making our own clothes). 

Don’t have money for a sewing machine, or know how to sew clothes into something that we will wear.

And in terms of self-expression beyond fashion, well… similar feelings of confusion.

But there is this Q-space at our school with a “Queer Clothing Exchange” –> Free Clothes. 

Though it circles back to “Fuck. I am still trying to find out what works for me. And I am apprehensive about trying. What if I do it wrong?” (good thing it’s free because there is a factor of trying out clothes and money–> thanks mother /sar).