I Haz a Depressed

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

I know I’m dealing with depression when I’m too depressed to play video games. I downloaded Baldur’s Gate III the other day, but haven’t even started it yet. My WoW subscription expires tomorrow and I’m not going to renew it. All I’ve been doing is sleeping, listening to music, and randomly surfing the net.

Whenever we take a leave of absence, I feel like I should use the time to do something, but the reality is, if I could do something I wouldn’t need the leave. It’s not a vacation. It’s a “my brain isn’t making enough happy chemicals” time.

You don’t hear much from me on this site, at least as me. Truth is, I post as Saoirse sometimes because I’m too lazy to log out and log back in as myself. Saoirse and I can also get very blended together – we’ve even thought we’ve fused before, but no. Especially under stress, we fall back apart. Far from being blended together, I can’t even feel Saoirse around right now.

I’m alone, and I’m depressed.

We got an email this afternoon that a charity we’ve supported for years has been lying about how they use some of the funds and gifts, which should have all been going to orphan children in Afghanistan. Some of it did, which is comforting, but after reading the lengthy email, I decided we could no longer support the charity. OK, it should have been a council vote, but fuck it. If the others really decide I was wrong, they can always reinstate the gifts. Point being, we’ve sent these folks over $17,000 the past few years and now find out it was a mistake. Bummer.

This is part of why I agree with Saoirse that its better to hire people who need financial help than just shovel money at them. Good god, I’m becoming more of a capitalist every day, aren’t I? 20-something me would be horrified.

We made an agreement when I was in my 20s, that we could work for “the man” (corporate america) as long as we used that money to help others. We often give away over 20% of our income, which honestly has left us with a lot less of a finanicial cushion than we could use, but it helps us feel like we’re maybe not a complete waste of space.

I’m not saying anyone who can’t give money is a bad person. In fact, I’ve found that its often the people who have really struggled that will give you the shirt off their back. I’m just saying that for us, there were some major concerns about selling our soul to capitalism. In my 20s, I was hanging out with the anarchists and anti-war protesters. Hell, I was a card carrying member of the IWW. Somehow I went from eating vegan casserole with people talking about chaining themselves together in protest, to eating steak with people talking about how big their swimming pools were. I’m still not quite sure how that happened. <laugh> Adapt. Improvise. Overcome?

Don’t worry though, we’re not going to run off and start voting Republican. <shudder> Not that I find much joy in the Democrats, either. We’re currenetly on a “No News” diet. We’re depressed enough. Yeah, I gather there are wars and politics happening, but I honestly don’t want to know the details. I’m officially sticking my head in the sand, thankyouverymuch.

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