I’ve Been Thinking About This for a While

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Blahhhhhhh, I hate everything today.

I keep trying to move forward in my trauma healing, and I keep running into the inescapable reality that someday I am going to have to forgive my mom.

I don’t mean saying that what she did was okay. I don’t mean seeing or talking to her ever again. 

I mean internally facing the rage I feel towards her. I mean letting go of thinking about her. I mean untangling the barbed wire of her actions from my brain, dropping it, and walking away.

Because of the kind person I can’t remember well, I knew from an early age that the way my mom treated me was wrong. And, on no uncertain terms, I let her know this. I was brutal.

And she responded by telling me how hard it is to be a good person in any given situation. 

And I responded by stubbornly swearing to myself that I would do every single thing that she claimed was impossible.

Every. Single. Thing.

[I don’t have the energy to go into everything right now, but there’s this book that I’ve loved since childhood called How to be a Dragon Without Burning Your Tongue.]

Can you imagine the exhaustion and self-sabatoge that would come from this? Especially after my mom noticed that I was doing it?

I have been stripping my mom’s DNA out of my butchered arms and calling it victory. As a coping mechanism, I do not recommend it.

This is why I need to forgive her. If I don’t, I will never stop self-destructing.

I’m not ready yet, but I am aware of it. And I’m not going to lie; it sucks.

We need more tea.


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1 month ago

i really feel for you luv. we have similar sentiments toward certain people, though i wish to be vague about it for now. i definitely understand the feeling that someone who you called a caretaker is unwilling to offer you so much as an apology for the abuse you sustained, whether or not it was “intentional”. some people just aren’t capable of exercising the empathy necessary, and we had to learn that, and learn to deal with it as best we can. knowing we may have to live with that open wound for good is excruciatingly painful and familiar to us. i wish the best for you in coping with that problem, and that you can find a less dangerous coping strategy.

1 month ago

It took me a long time to forgive my father. Forgiveness didn’t mean that everything was OK. It didn’t mean that I suddenly brought him back into my life. He was still toxic. But I understood his humanity, that he had been abused himself, and that he was mentally ill. We also realized we wanted/needed to cut all ties with him, not just communication, but karma-wise and spiritually. We consulted with a Wiccan High Priestess and did a ritual to cut all ties to him, in this life and any further ones, and forgave him his karmic debt and anything that tied us together, for all eternity. Basically, we cut him out of our existence, but could only do that once we forgave him.

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