Relationships

People with DID or OSDD can have healthy, loving, wonderful relationships in their lives. However, relationships can and will face unique challenges due to the disorder, which we will discuss here. This will help you know what to be prepared for, what techniques to use, etc. to have a healthy relationship while living with the disorder.

Communication

Communication is essential to all relationships, but it is also necessary in specific ways when you are a system.

Communication in Intimacy

If you are intimate with someone, you must have open and active communication if and when another alter comes anywhere near the front. It is important to stay aware of whether or not someone else is switching in, because it can be a sign that you may be getting triggered. In addition, not only does the person you’re sleeping with deserve to know who they’re sleeping with, but the person switching in may not be comfortable with the activity. It’s essential to stop, communicate, reassess, and gauge consent.

At what point should I tell someone I’m dating that I have DID?

It can be very scary to bring up this topic with a new partner. Any mental health issue can be scary to talk about – but DID, because of the stigma surrounding it and the complex nature of the disorder, can be particularly frightening. There is no clear answer as to when you should tell someone. It’s going to be different from system to system, and there really is no “should”. It’s just when it’s right for you. If they’re the right person for you, they won’t be scared off and they won’t react in a hostile way.

The first time someone witnesses a switch or meets another alter

The first time someone meets another alter in your system (and knows it) or witnesses a switch is often a big moment. There can often be a lot of anxiety about how they’ll react to seeing a switch or meeting another alter, a feeling of vulnerability, and a desire to hide. Hopefully the person you’re around is understanding and accepting and kind to the other alter in your system and reacts well. Afterwards, it’s good to talk to them and see if they have any questions or want to talk to you about anything. It’s also a good idea to check in with the alter who came in, because it can be a lot to be the first alter that person has met besides the host.

Recognize that Different Alters will have Different Relationships

It’s essential to know that different alters in your system will have different types of relationships with the people in your life, and it’s important to make those people aware of that. They should not expect the other alters in your system to treat them the same way you do. They should not expect the same intimacy, the same affection, the same physicality, etc. It’s also important to remind the people in your system that they don’t owe the people in your life the same affection. While masking is helpful, comfort and safety are also very important, especially when someone knows that you are a system; being able to distance yourself is important, and those in your life should understand and respect that.

Taking Responsibility For Amnesia

It can be hard to take responsibility for something you can’t remember. Remembering that you don’t remember things is very counterintuitive, and you will forget that you have amnesia. The problem is that amnesia can lead to unintentional gaslighting. Cases of “I never did that” or “I never said that!” when – in the experience of the person you’re talking to – you actually did, is a case of gaslighting – unintentional, yes, but still harmful.

Taking the time to acknowledge that you have amnesia is very important. Amnesia is a shocking thing to deal with, and it’s reasonable to be confused and not completely calm when you hear about things “you” did and don’t remember. Be aware that it can have a gaslighting effect on people around you, however, and take responsibility for that.

System Responsibility

System responsibility is the acceptance that regardless of which alter did what, every alter within the system must take responsibility for the actions of the body. If an alter within the system hurts someone else, even if the host doesn’t remember it and didn’t do it, they must apologize, take responsibility, and take the steps to make it right and make sure it doesn’t happen again. This may feel unfair and may take some time to come to terms with, but it’s essential to functioning and living ethically as a system. This is another reason to work hard at integration, to lower those amnesiac barriers, and to increase communication and cooperation between alters.

We have an entire article on System Responsibility.

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