Where to even begin

Blogs may include sensitive or triggering content. Reader discretion is advised.

The past few days have been… interesting.

On one hand, we had a really scary episode of low oxygen where we were too out of it to call for help, but were with it enough to realize we were in danger. It was a hard fight to break through the fog and breathe. Obviously we made it out OK, but man, it took a lot, for over an hour. We truly felt our life was in the balance. Our fingernails were turning blue, which is usually a bad sign. And yes, you can be out of it enough that you can forget how to dial 911.

But, in the fires of Mordor… wait, wrong story… in the fires of fighting to breathe to survive, an interesting thing happened. Saoirse & Janet came together more than ever, and we’ve been kind of melting into each other faster and faster. It’s the hardest thing to describe. I think it has been happening for a very long time, but the catalyst of yesterdays events kind of put things in fast forward. Trauma helps make changes to our system? Who knew. 😛

So, the thing is, I’m not exactly sure who I am right now. Our system is in pretty heavy flux. I think we’re going to see the first restructuring in over 15 years. I’m not even sure who I’m going to be. I’m becoming something new. Or maybe I’ll snap back into the familiar pieces again, I can’t tell. So, what did I decide to just do? Well, watch the latest Matrix film of course, to add a little extra mind fuck into my day. It was surprisingly good – the best since the first one, I think.

So, there is the theme of choice in the movie… and if you really have a choice. Will I choose to become something new, a phoenix rising out of the ashes of Saoirse and Janet? Saoiranet? <laugh> Or will I choose the safe, known treadmill of a world where Saoirse and Janet remain two distinct alters? Red pill or blue pill? The choice of facing the unknown can be a scary thing… but maybe it is, in the end, the only real path.

I’m kind of waiting to see what I settle into, but I think I’m taking the red pill. Which means, uh, I don’t know exactly. That Saoirse and Janet will continue to melt into each other until there is just me? It’s really, really odd. As it is right now I feel kind of half made. FW has popped up and offered to help take me on a Journey to find myself/make myself. I know if I do I’ll come out a new person. What name will I use? Choosing a name is a hard thing. Choosing who you are is even harder. Do I just take what comes, or do I consciously redefine myself? And into what? It’s new Doctor Who time around here.

Tune in tomorrow to find out who I am.

#fusion #did #breathing

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