About three years ago, there was a significant shift in our system. I became the primary host. For the 25 years or so before then, Janet had been the primary host, and I just came out to work. There is a long story behind why, some of which is documented elsewhere in this blog. TL;DR version is Janet ‘retired’; no one else stepped up to take the job, and I got stuck with it.
Now, I feel kind of like the little red hen. I’ve worked hard, didn’t get help when I asked for it, and now my headmates are pissy that they don’t get enough time. Damn it, I made bread when no one wanted to help. Maybe my methods aren’t ideal, but I’ve done my best for three years to keep us safe and comfortable. I’m kind of hurt that people are upset with me.
Things may be shifting in T-E-C land again, though. This whole five-member council thing is a whole new ball game. And great, people want more say in day-to-day decisions. Bravo.
I’d be lying if I’d say that I haven’t gotten used to being the one out and about the most, though. And I *do* feel like the little red hen shouldn’t have to share her bread sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. <laugh> Am I a bad host because I don’t want to share the life I work so hard to provide us? The life I took over when literally no other system member stepped up?
I fight switches these days. I’ve grown stronger in the past three years and can suppress folks or fight back against switching. It doesn’t always work – I’ve lost a lot of time this week – and it takes a toll, but I am able to do it. And that apparently makes me an asshole.
So, a poll for all the hosts out there. If you’re sitting around and feel dissociated, do you say, “Oh, guess I’ll do my best to step back and let the switch happen”, or do you try every tool at your disposal to fight the switch? (Grounding, etc.) I’m betting I’m not the only host who doesn’t feel like sharing the body.
But is that healthy? Is living as close to being a “singlet” as possible by fighting to maintain control at all times a bad thing? It depends on who you ask, I think. But, if I go with the expert opinion of TherapyGuru, then it’s not a healthy attitude.
The pressure to act as a singlet is strong, though. We’re very covert. The only person who can reliably tell we’ve switched is TherapyGuru. Yet, we run a DID website, so you’d think we were 100% OK with having DID.Â
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ahem. No.
Most of the time, having DID is not a matter of pride for me but one of shame. And so yes, I do fight it tooth and nail. I often see it as more of a weakness than a strength. Sure, it helped us survive over a decade of abuse, but what has it done for me lately?
When it comes down to it, I guess I have a messed up understanding of what “functional multiplicity” really is. To me, functional is… well, being able to function. Able to work, primarily. If that means stuffing it all down, fine. But FW has tried to explain that functional multiplicity allows the whole human experience across all our parts. That, my friends, is hard. And I’m struggling with letting that happen.
Do you use a squasher-downer on your feelings and alters whenever possible? Leave a comment and let me know. I’m curious on how the rest of you handle this problem.
Well, in our system it’s a little bit like an ongoing cold war. We have several different gatekeepers, and it’s all kind of like a scale as far as “letting people front naturally” goes. One one end of the scale is Peter Pan, who is extremely in favor of everybody constantly being able to engage in self-expression, no matter what the consequences. On the other end is Charlotte, who is terrified that we will all die (and/or lose our job and/or go to prison) if she doesn’t make a list for and monitor every single thing we do every single day.
We do have gatekeepers who understand the concept of balance and moderation, but they still have to live and work with everybody else. Sometimes it feels like mind games where the one who is best at exploiting system loopholes is the current leader. Thus, we find it hard to get anything done or agree on anything. And the amnesia simultaneously leaves us feeling like we have everything under control and very little system conflict.