The past year or more has been spent in a huge effort of deconstructing a whole load of things I had been told/consumed from the general public on how you are ‘supposed’ to approach DID/OSDD. I followed these guides, I did the things I was told to do. Over time I started to connect the dots that the people who were telling me these things were people who were still struggling very seriously with their symptoms – if these were the strategies they were using, clearly they weren’t working for them so why was I putting all my trust in them to have the answers? It doesn’t mean they don’t have answers for some people, but it was worth taking a step back and re-assessing what might really be right for me in making the right decisions in a healing journey for myself. And damn was that the right decision.
I’m not here to make an all-exhaustive dissertation of what I’ve gone over this past year or so – not right now at least – but I need to vent a little or get something out and part of my healing has been to be less public about these things so this feels like a safer space to speak about it. idk.
NO ONE WANTED TO BE ‘GIVEN TIME’/’GIVEN SPACE’/’TO BE SEEN AS THEIR OWN PERSON AND TO GET TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIFE’. Oh my GOD treating it that way was so incredibly unhealthy (for me) and was so incredibly destructive. Idk if that is actually helpful for some people but goddamn please definitely if you’re following that and still have seriously intense symptoms do a SERIOUS check-in internally because damn that was the incorrect path I was led down and idk where and who started that advice but it was incredibly harmful. The people-pleaser nature made parts just abide by ‘okay yeah I guess this is what I’m supposed to think/want/say/do’ and just go along with it and NO they did not want that and NO it was not helpful and it caused so much stress and exhaustion and disregulation and was so toxic.
Please listen to yourself and what you need. Don’t just follow what random people are saying to do who don’t even have it figured out themselves. That includes me. That includes everybody. Because damn it’s hard out here and it’s easy to get led down the wrong path.
The path to healing is going to be different for everyone. Although in our system there are some of us who ‘want to be our own person,’ we realize that just ‘getting to live our own life’ isn’t constructive. We’re a team. It’s OUR life, not mine. A lot of the success we’ve had is, I think, due to our whole “ruling council” type structure, where we collectively make decisions. Do we have it all figured out? Nope.
Forest (one of us) likes to point out that the ultimate authority on what is “right” for our life is found inside, through reflection, and not from any outside source. Therapy can help. Therapy can hurt. It’s the same with advice. As the years go on, you learn to trust in and listen to yourselves more and more.
Good for you for walking your own path.
I think TEC summed it up very well. The healing journey is different for everyone. I know for us, “each having our own life” is as simple as…we let our alters dress the way each wants (so long as it’s appropriate as required), and letting people have their own hobbies and projects, and signing off their messages (this last helps the whole system out, as well, as it helps us located the correct alters if there is confusion that needs clearing up, or if apologies need to be made [we still default to system responsibility, but we do make an effort to have the specific alters make ammends as well]). Outside of that…it’s our life. We make decisions together, as best as we’re able to.
I’m glad that y’all have been figuring out the best path for you guys, though. That process can be…incredibly hard, so we’re proud of y’all!
We haven’t been on tiktok lately, but our system has missed hearing from y’all!!
/gen
-Legacy
I appreciate this, because our system has struggled with this too, I think. We try to let ourselves be distinct when fronting, because being blended for us is generally just dissociation from unresolved emotional stuff/stress. But that is so that the individual alters can figure out why they are fronting and who they are, because all of that is intrinsically connected to our trauma, and we are very motivated to heal for personal reasons.
Whenever we try to see ourselves as “individual people” rather than a team, it messes us up. We have a goal of functional multiplicity, and we definitely see each other as separate beings/family. But we are ultimately here to support each other, not to be separate.
There’s also an element of insecurity in our personal attachment to our headmates that we have to be honest with ourselves about. We missed out on a lot of healthy friendships because we had our headmates to fall back on, and it was easier to focus internally than it was to deal with the fear of potentially hurting somebody. I love my alters, but they can be an unhealthy crutch for us too. As teenagers and even in our early 20’s, it was so bad that we would get annoyed at other people just for talking to us. We wanted to just be in our head 24/7, and I think that’s part of why we stayed with our abusers for so long. The potential of healthy friendships forced us to focus externally, and we hated that. Which…is honestly a bit scary to admit.
“Please listen to yourself and what you need.”
That is really good advice! Ik even our therapist says stuff along these lines to my system a lot, and I think that further proves how important the statement is. Even professionals don’t always know what’s best…and especially so when each and every system is unique!
/g /pos
-Ty