Faster but Slower

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I wish that resting was easier. I wish that I could freaking remember everything that I did in my life so that I could see myself clearly.

When I was a kid, I used to tell myself, “Can’t remember what happened, so I should believe whatever people tell me about myself.” Being surrounded by abusers, this did not end well. And it meant that I was deaf to anybody trying to push me away with anything other than very blatant words, because I thought they were asking me to fix the problem. Which also did not end well. 

It’s just…exhausting. And even though it’s pointless to try to figure out what my life actually looked like until I get all of my memories back, it’s difficult to let go of. Because if I hurt somebody and then just acted like everything was fine…well, I’ve had people do that to me. And I wouldn’t want to do it to anybody else.

For example, I know I was a horrible friend to the person I ghosted that started this whole memory-recovery chain. My parents basically forced us to spend time together initially, and this person was emotionally abusive and I have problems communicating boundaries, so it turned into a whole mess that went on for way too long. I fought back a lot more brutally than I needed to. I know that person looked up to me. And, though I never wanted to be in that position in the first place, I still hurt them a lot. Especially because I would bounce between “no boundaries whatsoever” and “I will rip your face off if you do that again” depending on who was fronting. It’s a pretty disastrous combination, and I still struggle with that.

So I find myself trying to rest so I can remember faster. But resting for the purpose of working…doesn’t work. And it’s difficult to let go of being stuck in that rut when you don’t know if you have things you need to own up to. I’ve definitely lost sleep over it. But apparently trying to dredge up memories through sheer force of will is impossible.

And I guess anybody I hurt is better off without me. And that’s a good thing, and comforting. Even my abusers have a better chance of changing and healing when I am not around them. Not to say that abuse is a victim’s fault. It’s just that actually having boundaries ends better for everyone.

My partner system is amazing. I think my brain would have spontaneously combusted by now if they weren’t around.

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