Saoirse here. I’m taking today off work because, yeah, I’m kind of a mess. I’ll get into that in another blog post. I want to talk about something I found today. We had an internet blog from April to June 2004! I had totally forgotten about it. Thanks to the magic of the Internet Archive‘s Wayback Machine, I’ve been reading our thoughts from 20 years ago. Wow, we were messed up. I won’t post the direct link to the old blog archive because it’s extremely triggering. We didn’t hold back. Talk of suicide, cutting, memories of abuse, man, all there. It’s a little scary that it’s still on the Internet.
Let that be a lesson: once you post something online, it’s there forever, even if you take it down.
It’s interesting, though, because I didn’t have the vocabulary I do now. There was no difference between fusion and integration back then. No knowledge of these things called “sub-systems.” I talked about our “clans” instead. And man, I thought Janet was uptight about having DID these days; check this out:
I don’t want to deal with this, I don’t want to deal with this, I don’t want to deal with this, I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to deal with this!!!! Why can’t this just stop!! Why can’t this all just go away?? Why can’t Dr. Cohen just say – shut up, you’re lying, there is no such thing! I can’t deal with this. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to deal with this. What am I supposed to do? I’m so confused. I’m so scared. I wanted this to be over. I wanted this to have never exisited. WHY did I have to make that fucking challenge on the tape recorder?! That was supposed to show that I was always just me, and that no one could possibly answer. WHY do I then have a tape that has three different versions of me besides ME on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I mean, I must be really screwed up. Why do I make this stuff up? I mean, I have to be making it up. It can’t be real. Why would I possibly do this to myself? I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand. I just can’t take this. And I haven’t even been able to talk to Dr. Cohen about it, because some other part of me has been going instead. WHY?! I just don’t know if I can take this. I mean, in a way I kind of wanted Dr. Cohen to know so she could just tell me I’m lying, or put me on some pill or something. Why can’t she do that? I don’t want this! I don’t want this at all!! I feel like my entire world is falling apart. This just can’t be real. And if it is, what do I do? I’m so overwhelmed with this I can’t even function. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO COME OUT? Why couldn’t this just remain a secret, something that nobody had to know about. I don’t know what to do. I just can’t accept this. I know I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder 10 years ago, but I refuse to believe that was correct. I had to be making it all up then, and I must just be doing the same now. I want this to stop! I want this to just all go away. I don’t want to talk to other versions of me. I don’t want to deal with them. I don’t want them to exist!!! I just want to be me. That’s it, just me. There is only one true personality per body, right? The rest of this must just be false. It can’t really be happening. Why do I live like this? Why does time jump for me like it does? I’m so confused. I don’t want this at all!!! Why can’t there be another explaination. There has to be another explaination. PLEASE GOD LET THERE BE ANOTHER EXPLAINATION. I just want my normal life back. That’s all I want. A normal life. No depression. No abuse history. No other people inside me. I just want to be normal. That’s all I want. I don’t want any of this other stuff. I don’t knowhow to handle this. I’m great that these other parts of me are feeling so wonderfully free or something, but I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MIND. No, I take that back, I FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST IT. I don’t want to know about this stuff. Why can’t it all just go away? It can’t be real anyway. Why can’t I just ignore it? Why won’t you all just GO AWAY. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want you to leave me notes. I don’t want you to leave me messages. I don’t want you in my life! It’s MY LIFE. MINE. There is no room for you here. JUST GO AWAY.
posted by Janet on Saturday, April 10, 2004
Believe it or not, that’s the calm entry from her on that day. This was right around the time we were diagnosed as having DID for the third time. Obviously, she was not dealing with it well. 🙂
What interests me is that I had a better handle on my anger back then. These days, I have a hard time even letting myself feel it. In fact, it’s one of the things I’m processing today. But back then, it’s how I would motivate myself to make over $100,000/year for the first time.
Today, I really value the gift that my anger and yes, my rage, has given me. Often, its what gets me up in the morning. Its the fire that burns within me that motivates me to improve myself. You see, my form of revenge is being as successful as I can be. Its really a case of “FUCK YOU! I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I DO HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST! AND I WILL MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MY LIFE!” When I feel I can’t go on, its my ANGER that motivates me to keep going. It fuels the inner flame of my Will. It’s really a prime motivating factor in my life
excerpt from a Saoirse post on Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Finally, the big thing happening in T-E-C land these days is that Susan is fully awake again. I had forgotten she used to write poetry. This is a poem of hers from the 2004 blog:
momma, i can’t be your little girl anymore
i can’t tell you whymomma, the last person i had, my only friend
just made me do something badmomma, i’m sorry. i can’t be your little girl anymore
i can’t tell you whyi’m dirty now. worthless. i couldn’t even do it right.
i’m sorry i can’t be your little girl anymoremomma, i know you’re sad. i see it every day.
i know its my fault. daddy tells me so.so i won’t be your little girl anymore.
excerpt from a Susan post on Thursday, April 15, 2004
i don’t deserve a mommy anyway.
Thanks for walking down memory lane with me!