Midnight as come and gone, one o’ clock quickly coming. My thoughts silent yet running free like a tiger stuck in a cage. My heart feeling damaged yet steadily beating in my chest. Emotions longed buried in my chest. I wonder how I got to be here? How I survived the years of abuse, the loss and trauma of my father’s sickness? The harsh words said to me by fellow classmates and even my own mother. The beatings I would get for doing things wrong.
A voice. I think it was a voice. Lukas, that’s him. The one who caused most of the beatings. Kleptomaniac, that’s what the others say. He has the uncontrollable urge to steal things.. why is he here? He caused our beatings and the harsh words to be spoken towards us and would come back every night trying to make us steal more. Breaking trust and stealing money…
It’s not all his fault we are this way. People betray us, no one caring for our emotional or mental health. Always saying I was faking or to take the medicine given (ADHD). I didn’t like the medicine. I glad we learned to control it. Being a failed gifted and talented kid that is only good at following others and being a good puppet. Waiting on the next command to be said. And when I am at home I just sit around playing games and trying to talk to friends that aren’t really there. I cannot blame them, they are like me, system with busy lives.
I miss them. I know their right there, physically, but emotionally, their gone from me. I caused it, the numbness. They have a bad life with work and home life like us, and I made it worse. I became mad and showed a side I never want to show again, jealousy. I am not a jealous person, I just a needy person who’s needs.. I am evil. I should not force them to fix the needs I feel, yet that’s what I made it out to be, their fault. But it’s not, technically it’s both sides are at fault, but it mainly me for blowing it out of proportion. Now they’re gone emotionally and mentally from me. We still remain friends, but it’s hard when I want them as my lover again. I want them to know I am sorry and I want to start over. Maybe I need to finally try therapy again.. maybe one day. I will focus on myself and the others. Work on my emotions and not pushing them down. I will work on me. I will be better for them. They work to be better for me, it’s my turn to do the same.